During your adult life (starting at whatever
age when imaginary playtime ceases and you begin to have actual thoughts) you
need to suffer through about 17 family gathering before you can use these tips
because before that you actually don’t mind your family all that much. Sorry,
that's just the way things go.
First things first, load up on food early.
That way, later on when you feel like you're going to throw up cause your
stomach hurts, you've got an excuse to leave. Once you've downed your three (at
least) plates of food, find the one cool person to hang out with who is most
likely following these tips as well. If there is no one like that, find the two
most talkative people and sit/stand next to them, switching between the two
periodically. That way, it'll seem like you're socializing when really you're
avoiding social life completely.
If someone from the group of family that is
surrounding that talkative person asks you a question DON'T give long answers.
That will give them the opportunity to ask you more and more questions, and
then you'll need to find an excuse to leave. But more on that later. For now I
will give you an example of the perfect way to answer questions.
Example:
Random Family Member: "How's school been (insert your
name here)?"
You: "Good"
RFM: "Do you like your classes?"
You: "Yeah"
RFM: "Are your teachers nice?"
You: "Yeah"
Who cares if it isn't true, stay positive
and they won't bother you. Usually after about three or four questions they'll
realize you are really uninterested in the conversation. BUT, and this is
important, after they give up on the Spanish Inquisition, stick around for no
more then two minutes then switch talkative groups.
IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY GIVE AN EXPLANATION OR
ARE FORCED TO, I have included a short list of options to leave after your
explanation:
- "I have to pee" -No one will question you and you can escape to the safe privacy of the bathroom.
- "I'm hungry, I'm gonna go find some food." - Once again, no one will question, and you'll get food out of it.
Now usually you can just leave a group of
talkers without being noticed if you haven't been instigated in a while. But if
someone does in fact notice, those tips above will work.
Every
family is different and has different gatherings, so I've narrowed it down to
two types of family gatherings, there's the "We're meeting at someone's
house cause there's only a dozen of us" and then there's the "There's
so many of us we need to rent a place." Both are equally annoying and
loud, so spot the bathrooms early on. The bathroom is nice because all outside
noise is magically muffled and no one will bother you there.
So you know how I mentioned eating lots? I
wish to clear one thing up. Pace yourself. Unless you're getting taunted/laughed
at due to unfortunate school photos or something of the sort, which has
happened to me and will happen to you eventually, don't wolf down platefulls of
food too quickly. Then you'll get a real stomachache. Eat a heapful, wait till
it settles (about 30 minutes) then eat another plate. Wash, rinse, repeat. That
way after about two hours (or however long it is till you just can't take it
anymore) you'll be sick and have an excuse to leave. Don't worry though, the
nausea will cease right about the moment you get home.
Avoiding people is hard, but a big part of
family. Follow these tips/rules/guidelines and it'll be easy.
- If you're a writer, bring a notebook and a working pen and/or pens. No one will interrupt your furious scrawling and if they do, say this: "Hang on, I just thought of a great story idea and if I don't write it down it'll be gone forever."
- If you're a boy, bring a handheld video game. Again, no one will disturb you except to ask you one thing "What're you playing?" Simple question, yes, but you have to answer it in a very specific way or else they will continue to bother you will questions like "What's it about?" and "Is it fun" or, and this is absolute worst case scenario, they will go on to tell you about a video game that they're playing. You have to just not even look up and say the game title in the more uninterested, monotone way.
- If you're a teenager (which is really who this is for), bring your cellphone and/or iPod. 'Nuff said.
- Play a little game called “Fill up that empty space” – Basically what you do is you spot the shifts in bodies and you find that one empty space amongst everyone. (This only really applies to those of you who aren’t hiding out with the talkers) What happens when you’re in the empty space is that no one will bother you, but you need to look busy! Don’t look lonely, look alone. There’s a fine line between the two, but there definitely is one.
★Looking like your lost in thought is usually good as well★
If you get bored, eavesdropping is always
good! It may seem like your invading privacy, but look at it this way: It'll
help you multitask and prepare for the day when you finally snap and
spew out every fact your family members thought were secret in front of
everyone. Anyway, look like your doing something so no one will include you in
the conversation, but secretly listen to every single moment of it. Try your
hardest not to chuckle and reveal yourself to everyone. This is an interesting
way to pass the time without having to actually talk to people.
By the time you've run out of food to eat,
things to pretend to do, excuses to give, and somewhat interesting
conversations to listen to, the party should be coming to a close, and that's
your cue to bring up your all too sudden
headache/lack-of-breath/nausea/stomachache.
This brings our informative little piece to
an end. Hopefully you have survived your 18th+ family gathering with ease. Your
welcome.
COMING SOON: How to avoid family gatherings completely
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